Forgiveness in ED Recovery

As much as I flippantly overlook this part of my healing process, now and again, I am reminded of how integral practising self-forgiveness was when recovering from my Eating Disorder. I wanted to take some time to explain the importance of the gift of self-forgiveness and how I went about it.

The Rom-Com moment

Picture this:

Drizzly October day. London street. Sudden downpour. Respite is taken in a quaint book store. A dusty book on display is exactly what the main character requires at that moment to facilitate their healing. Good looking guy with glasses behind the counter. A sympathetic nod as he scans the book. A mutual acknowledgement that one individual has stumbled across a transformational resource. Rain clears. Sun emerges. Guy bumps into girl a few hours later. Guy and girl fall in love over a latte. Wild romance ensues.

That's what happened. Well, sort of. The last five sentences aren't exactly true. It never stops raining in London in November. The sun is never out. I wasn't looking for love and my distaste for coffee means ordering a latte was unlikely. But the rest is true - I stumbled across a book in a second-hand store in London and it really helped with something I'd been struggling with at the time: letting go of the crippling guilt I felt for my actions and behaviour when I was immersed in my eating disorder. The things I had said. The lies I had told. The hatred I had felt and the occasions I had missed. The people I had neglected. And more.

I wouldn't go as far as saying that this book transformed my entire recovery, but it certainly helped me shift my perspective of the past, allowing me to focus on the new that I had built (and was continuing to curate), rather than the ruins I felt that I had in my wake.

Forgiveness: A Practice for Healing

The book in question, if you're interested, was called 'The Art of Forgiving', written by Desmond Tutu, a peace activist, and his daughter Mpho. In short, it is a handbook on why forgiveness plays a fundamental role in moving past something painful. It was a quotation on the back cover that sold it to me, I think. Actually, it is probably more accurate to say it was one word on the back cover that sold it to me. That word was"locked". This is because, though I had indeed made tremendous progress by this point, I felt a trapping and nagging sense of hatred for my past-self who behaved the way she did, in ways that sharply disregarded my value systems...

"Until we can forgive, we remain locked in our pain and locked out of the possibility of experiencing healing and freedom.”

Aside from explaining why we must forgive our circumstances, others, and perhaps most importantly, ourselves, Tutu's book also details how. I enjoyed it because it didn't feel prescriptive, but instead nurtured a reflection through a self-compassionate lens that I hadn't utilised previously. By forgiving, the book also notes, we reap tremendous health benefits too; research shows that forgiveness has proven to “reduce depression, increase hopefulness, decrease anger, improve spiritual connection, (and) increase emotional self-confidence.” This was important to me, as I was aiming to feel completely healed from the pain of the past years, not just settle for partially mended.

Reframing Forgiveness

Upon reading Tutu's book, I realised something. Forgiveness did not mean that I condoned the harmful actions or reckless choices my eating-disorder self had made. Instead, it meant I had to free myself from the immobilizing shame over past decisions I could not reverse or change. It meant that I had to acquit my past self, who acted this way out of fear and pain and discharge my current self of feeling the responsibility to do something no human has ever done before: travel back in time and change the past.

Shame was not constructive. Hating my past-self was no solace. Instead, those emotions left me so deeply hurt and hyper focused on the wrong I had done, I felt unable to focus on the new that I wanted to build with the new resources I had gathered.

Whilst I was too immersed in self-critique and flagellation, there was no room for the essential practice of self-kindness, self-respect and living in the present that would be fundamental for healing. So, I began making a conscious effort not to judge or berate this former version of myself who did not have the resources, or coping mechanisms, that I had learnt through my recovery. I extended my past-self grace because, while her words were often disrespectful to herself and others and her actions were usually geared towards preserving an illness that was ultimately sinister, she was acting in the way that her fear response suggested was her only way of keeping safe at that time. At that time, she did not have the toolkit to act in an alternative manner. This is not an excuse, but a radical acceptance of what was, and what is.

During this time, I did not have to work to justify the choices I had made, but work to acknowledge that was not who I continued to be. I gave myself full permission to shake off those constraints from the past and focus on becoming the kind of person I wanted to be right there in the present.

Dwelling on berating myself for the anger I experienced and demonstrated towards those who were closest to me— be this because they enabled or triggered my eating disorder — was energy wasted that could be put to better use. In his book, Tutu notes how as human beings we are all inherently flawed. And this is ok. We can't expect our past selves to act in a way that we might now when we did not have the resources that we do now. Tutu also outlines how forgiveness is a choice that an individual must make themselves, and a practice that they must undertake for themselves. His distinct Fourfold Path to Forgiveness involves:

1. Telling the Story

2. Naming the Hurt

3. Granting Forgiveness

4. Renewing or Releasing the Relationship

In my own recovery, it began by looking honestly at my story and disclosing the facts of my experiences with others, through both writing and conversations. Then I attached feelings to the facts: I shared my raw and painful experiences of anger, grief, loneliness, panic, unworthiness, and shame.

Next—and this was often the hardest part for me—I granted myself forgiveness by letting go of the idea that I was still that exact person with the exact same mindset. To do this, I spent time and effort acknowledging that I was a forever developing person. I am not the person I was yesterday, let alone the person who hurled a tirade of abuse at her mum for bringing home different bread years ago.

This led to the renewal of my relationship with myself. The power I have to act is within my sphere of influence, right now. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Not years ago. Not years into the future. My power is now.

I either chose to continue to war with myself (and expect myself to use self-hatred as a stimulus for change...) or chose to find peace with The Now, and the person who may be better equipped with a toolbox, resources and knowledge to act in alignment with the core value systems I clearly had than I was able to back then. This was hard work. But absolutely necessary. Do remember, even though something is hard, it doesn't mean it should be avoided. You can do hard things.

A ginormous thank you to Meg for her wonderful doodles. To see more of her amazing work, you can find her on Instagram at @meg_rebecca9.