Food Indecision

When I'm hungry nowadays, I have decided on and eaten something in less than 5 minutes of noticing hunger. A flex? No... But something that I couldn't imagine being a reality a few years ago.

When I wasn't well and it came to deciding what to eat, I felt as though my life depended on the decision in front of me. Standing, with the cupboard door open, I used to stare in despair. How on earth do I pick? What if I get it... wrong?

Almost every day, I would end up in frustrated tears because of this. And really, it only came to discovering why once I had made alot of progress with my healing. If you struggle with deciding what to eat, I really hope this is helpful and sheds some light on why it may be happening. I know just how exhausting it is, but trust me when I say, it can completely be irradicated as an element to your days.

What happened

Just to exemplify a few of the things that ran through my brain, here is a short narrative of what went on in my head when it came to picking a snack. This was a time when I sort of knew that I had to be the one making recovery decisions myself to promote neural rewiring, but also was not committed to unrestricted eating or weight gain. The stage o recovery I was at will be important when I go into why this type of battle was occurring a little later on.

I'm sure you'll realize but just for clarity, the purple is the true me. The green represents my eating disorder thoughts.

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Right. What do you want?

Everything. Literally... I want it all.

You can't have it all. It has to meet our 'snack' critera, remember?

Ok, I'll have... that.

No you won't.

Ok, I'll have this instead.

No you won't. Don't you remember when your dietitian said that a snack had to be below X calories?

Fine. How about this?

Maybe you could have half of it?

Ok, yes. Fine.

Ok. If you're really, really sure and you've assessed all of the necessary factors which contribute to the perfect snack...

Actually, on second thoughts... I'm not sure if that's the best option after all. That probably won't fill me up.

Yikes, you can't have something that's not filling. Heaven forbid you're hungry again after a snack. What would we do?

You're right.

It wouldn't take you very long to eat anyway.

That does it. It's off the cards. You want to sit and enjoy this and make sure it lasts, because dinners in 3 hours from now.

Ok, right. Back to square one. How about this?

In the afternoon? Really, didn't you have something similar this morning?

Ok, what about this and this?

Hmm. Let me quickly add those two things up...Ok, yes, my calculations show that's a possibility. However, you haven't tried that bar before. What if you don't like it?

You're right. I want to enjoy this. I don't want it to feel wasted. I've been waiting for this moment since lunch.

Yes. Choose better.

Ok, decision is made. I'm going for this. Fuck the ED. To hell with restriction. I'm going to have this chocolate muffin and then more.

Woah. Hold on Hun. You're having a cakey dessert this evening. Are you really going to have that now? You don't want to be in a bad mood for when your family get home and ruin their days, do you? How selfish that would be... Don't you just want to be able to fully enjoy your dessert by not challenging yourself now?

UH. You're right. Maybe it's too much for this afternoon. I could have it tomorrow.

Actually, tomorrow you're going out shopping, so you'll be stopping in a café and having a big snack there. Have you checked the menu by the way... or their Instagram page to see the options?

It's an independent café love. They don't have calorie content on the menu.

Uh. What an arse ache. I'd suggest either rearranging to a safer chain or maybe you could take your own snack. But, that's something to worry about later. What have you decided on for now?

ARRRGGGGGG. I'm exhausted. I'll have what I usually have :(

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And I kid you not. That is exactly the type of thing that ran through my head every single time I tried to act on my hunger. That whole dialogue, if not more.

But, actually, my bet is that isn't too hard for you to believe if you have an eating disorder yourself. My bet, is that this type of thing is something that occurs in your every day too.

Why does this happen?

I couldn't pick what I wanted to eat day after day and I told myself it was a mystery as to why. My mum and dad would insist and reassure me that it didn't really matter. So long as I had something, it was just a snack. I could have anything and everything and it would be fine.

But it really didn't feel this way. I had this weird sense that my decision had to be exactly right. It had to tick every single box. It had to taste optimal, be filling, take a while to eat and be within my snack calorie limit. (Yes. You read that right. Limit. Aka. number I could not exceed. Aka. restriction.)

In truth, it was exactly this restriction, combined with the truth of the second line of the narrative...

"Everything. Literally... I want it all"

...that was making my decision seem impossible.

Firstly, I was still restricting. I did not have unconditional permission to eat. Therefore, when I did eat, it had to hit the spot. It had to be optimal. It had to be something that my head deemed covered all bases of what I judged what a snack "should be" because it wasn't going to get any more food until the next allotted time.

Secondly, I wanted to eat everything. However, my judgement - and that's the most important thing here- intervened. I had a preconceived vision of an acceptable amount and this was the impassable upper limit.

And this is why my brain got stressed. Half of brain, the 'lower brain' (the one which unthinkingly works in habits and patterns) wanted to work in the way it has been conditioned. It said, no no no no no no no no way is that an option. It did this so seamlessly that it doesn't even seem like an option not to follow this route.

Yet, the other half of my brain, my 'higher brain', (the one which thought rationally and recognised I needed a lot more food), wanted me to eat anything and everything. It said, no no no no no no no, that's not what I want. I need more. I need everything.

I felt like I was being dragged in two different directions.

The answer to the question: "what should I have" is this:

You don't need to decide. You can have all of the things.

Yes. You heard me. All of them.

You must give yourself permission to have all of it. Whatever. Whenever. Howmuchever. Without judgement.

This doesn't happen for everyone like the flick of a switch. Actually, for most people, it won't. That's not necessarily a reflection on you or your commitment, but an indication of the mechanisms at play within your brain. Just because you have decided to give yourself permission, it does not mean resistance will not arise for going against those conditioned pathways. Think of it like this: if you've been driving to work via Road A for 5 years, you probably arrive there thinking,"holy shit... I don't remember a single thing about that journey." And that's down to habit formation allowing autopilot mode to switch on. If one day, you decided to completely reroute and go down a road you haven't travelled in a while (Let's say it's Road B) it will be a journey on you have to focus in order to safely arrive at work. It won't be automatic and it will feel less than easy.

In the same way, if you've been having a tiny, perfectly weighed, 40g serving of cereal for a long time, your brain will have decided that this is what you should have. This will be its conditioned path. If you decide to change course and have a whole bowl full, it WILL feel unnatural and it WILL NOT feel as 'easy' as the other, normal route. This, however, is no reason not to change.

The answer, as always, isn't that complicated.

You can and must give yourself permission.

As best you can, taking it moment by moment.

You allow your body what it wants and needs.

Yes, I get it, you might not actually know exactly what you want, but that can't stop you from eating the types of food you know that you should be eating. You know the ones...those highly palatable ones which you daydream about allowing yourself but consider to be off the cards.

Despite all of this, your lower brain will still push you to work in it's conditioned patterns. That's ok. It can only suggest. That's all it can do. Ok, it might be almighty convincing in it's excuses and persausions, however, during these moments, you must realise one thing: You are in total control of your actions. You are in total control of your response to thoughts.

So... The action plan

Phase 1: You just have to start eating.

Outloud, although thoroughly unconvinced, I used to say to myself:

“It’s ok, I can eat all of the things here. There is no limit. So, it’s fine. If I want all of those things, I can have all of those things.”

There was nothing wrong that I could eat.

Any excuse that I came up with could be drop-kicked by my commitment to trying my absolute best to unrestricted eat.

Yes, it felt chaotic. Yes, it felt unsafe. Yes, afterwards it felt like I had messed up my whole day, but I did my best to remind myself that those were just feelings produced due to acting outside of my conditioned restrive pathways. Those were just feelings and therefore not the absolute truth. Seriously, any excuse that came up could be brought back to my commitment to unrestricted it.

Too much? - not if I was committed to unrestricted eating. There was no limit.

Not "healthy"- not if I was committed to unrestricted eating. There was no limit.

Exceeded my "snack" limit - not if I was committed to unrestricted eating. There was no limit.

Might not be optimal tasting - oh well. If it failed to satisfy, I could have more. There was no limit.

Eaten in 3 seconds? - I could have more. There was no limit.

Had something similar earlier - I could have more. There was no limit.

Having something similar later- I could have more. There was no limit.

BLAH BLAH BLAH- I could have more.

Ok, so you get it. You just have to start eating. But what. Where to start?

Here's my 5 tips...

1) Scariest first

A good rule of thumb, if in doubt, is to go for the option that scares you the most. Sounds like the opposite of what you're doing at the moment? All the more reason to do it. There is no option with red tape across it. And once you've begun, you may well get more of an idea of what you truly want next. Recovery is not about trying to get through the day by eating the lowest amount possible. Seems obvious... but I needed to remind myself this a lot. The aim of recovery is the absolute opposite. The aim is the maximum amount possible.

2) Know that you cannot get it "wrong"

FDHTBP. Food only had to be perfect if it is coming in in a limited supply. Your goal, in recovery, MUST be to challenge EXACTLY the things which sound undesirable to the eating disorder. If that means eating 'meh' food, that is exactly what must be done.

3) Watch out for the word "too"

There is no "too much", "too early", "too late", "too similar."

4) Watch out for ED negative modal imperatives

Those stupid words like couldn't, might not, mustn't, won't, shouldn't need to be eradicated from your vocabulary, unless they are being used to set a recovery rule.

When your ED says shit like...

I might not enjoy it...

I can't exceed X calories

I won't enjoy my dessert

I shouldn't put myself in a bad mood to destroy my families day.

...you need to be expecting this trash to come and moving it straight to junk.

5) Stop. Breathe

Seems like the type of advice your Aunty Carol gave you when you toppled off your scooter when you were 3 and were wailing in pain, doesn't it?

Annoying as it sounds, slowing and controlling your breathing moves your nervous system from the SNS "fight/flight/freeze" fear response, to the PNS "rest and digest" setting. This is a much better mental place to make an informed decision.

All in all... Uncomplicate it.

Allow yourself to do the things you know you need to do.

And you do know them. I know you do.

I promise, it gets easier with time and then... it stops being an issue at all.

Keep at it.