E's story

This blog is a slightly edited message I recently received from a client I begun working with in 2021. She has such a beautiful name (one of my favourite, actually!), but I have shortened it to E for anonymity.

When I asked her if she felt comfortable sharing her message, E was more than happy for me to do so. She asked me to add:

I really want other people to know that coming from an eating disorder that feels like a life sentence, to being absolutely completely free and living a life without conditions around food or exercise or rest or even joy is completely and utterly possible.

And although it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows all the time and life still manages to get in the way and send its own challenges, not having to worry about food or the next meal or being on a strict schedule around food; where or what to eat etc. makes it an unquantifiable amount easier to manage those things.

E also shared a few of the quotes that were most meaningful reminders in her recovery. I love every single one of them, and so have put them throughout through-out this post.

With resilliance, commitment, doubt, and with fear all present, E has fully recovered. I really hope her words are encouraging.

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Hi Han, I hope you are well. I just wanted to send a message to let you know a thought that just arrived: I feel so content with how my eating is. I eat completely freely and unrestrictedly, no matter what I’ve done in the day, no matter what I might do later. It just feels so great.

As an example, as I write, I am sitting here with my thick slice of raspberry and biscoff banana loaf cake, some chocolate on the side and am sipping on a milky drink. I’ve been pretty much sitting on sofa all morning, simply because I felt comfortable here.

Everything has changed. I’ll eat when I want to. I’ll have bigger portions at lunch and dinner than my mum, I won’t worry about what anyone else has or hasn’t eaten (- in fact, it’s just not something I even think about anymore). I’ll have seconds if there’s some left, I cook some meals for my family and I join in on enjoying anything I bake. I often give myself the biggest slice of cake or brownie or whatever I’m serving. I eat when other people don’t eat and I am at peace with the fact that I eat more than most of my family. It even feels a little strange mentioning lots of this because it doesn’t ever enter my mind at all.

Restricting food isn’t even a thought anymore. My brain has completely rewired - something we both know I really didn’t think was actually going to happen to me.

On the movement front, I don’t do any amount of movement if I don’t enjoy. On that note, I have found Emily’s [Spence] @adventurelegs instagram account very helpful as it displays exactly what I feel: you can have a very healthy relationship with movement post-ED. This is something you know I really worried could never happen for me. I think discovering that I am neurodivergent has also had a part to play in my journey, as it has helped me understand my needs and how my brain works a bit better.

Another thing to add is I don’t get triggered by diet/ weight talk anymore. If I do come across any of that type of content on social media somehow, I select the “I’m not interested” button thingy and move on. I don’t think of it again.

On the final topic of body image - I don’t really pay attention to my body. It really just isn’t something I think about. I cannot believe that is the case, compared to how it was before. If my clothes feel a bit tighter it doesn’t bother me. I wear what is comfortable and what fits me and what I like. I also don’t mind the way I look in pictures - even when they’re unexpected, I have filled my camera roll with so many photo memories that actually include me! It does make me sad that there’s a big gap in the photos where I’m not in them, but in a way this may be a good thing, since it means I don’t have many visual reminders of that time. I have photos where I focus on the memories instead of the way I look. Maybe it’s a good thing.

Seriously, life is good. I feel so far away from the very sick person I was and that in itself feels beautiful. It is also probably good to mention that I feel that I now have the capacity to deal with hard things. I have ample energy to put into things that I care about and that matter to me, which are far more sustainable and deeply reassuring regulators than turning to the ED was.

I am sorry this is such a long message I just wanted to tell you. I am so fully recovered. I know that I wouldn’t be here without your guidance, belief, forgiveness and all other resources I needed to get to this point!

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