Compulsive movement

Not everyone with an eating disorder has an issue with compulsive movement. If you don't, this is no reflection on the severity of your illness. It can simply be attributed to the fact that, genetically, some have a higher OCD component to their eating disorder than others. That's it. If you don't struggle with movement, good. Only a very poorly mind associates lacking a symptom with not feeling valid enough to recover. So there you have it: either way, if you struggle with movement or not, you are sick and you do need to pursue full recovery.

In most of my posts, I bang on about the 3 commitments. These are: to reaching an unsuppressed body weight, to unrestricted eating and to losing rules and rituals. If you have a higher OCD component to your eating disorder, your commitment to losing rules and rituals will have to be at the forefront of everything you do. My guess is that you're here because you know, or have an inkling, that you have an issue with compulsive movement. Therefore, the commitment to losing rules and rituals will be essential for you. You may want to take the 1st commitment into consideration too. Your recovery relies on you not doing any behaviours which directly contradict your efforts to gain weight.

I view that my struggle with excessive (compulsively driven) movement was more of a problem than my restriction was. For many others, I know that an exercise element isn’t as strong as the restriction component is. Whichever is the case for you, it doesn't matter. Ultimately, all that matters is that you know you. You know your eating disorder. You know if compulsive movement and rules and rituals are controlling you or not and you decide how important each commitment is to you and your sustainable healing.

"But my problem isn't even that bad..."

Your eating disorder will probably tell you that any compulsive movement you do is fine to continue with. It will justify upkeeping the habit because it keeps you calm, soothes your mood or is a prerequisite to another activity that you enjoy. It usually goes along the lines of; I'll just quickly get <insert compulsive activity here> and then I can finally allow myself do Y. And after a while, these thought processes become so ingrained, that the behaviour seems irresistible. This is both due to the chemicals released in your brain during the activity, and, probably, the result of giving in: a slightly quieter mind.

And this longing for a quieter mind was exactly what I gave into time and time again. I moved simply to get rid of the compulsion to move. That will sound bonkers to some, but completely understandable to others. I simply couldn't stand the incessant suggestions to get up and do X, so I just did them to shut my head up. If I hadn't put a stop to this and continued to view them as 'fine' I would still be doing them to this day and I would still be sick.

The rest of this blog is going to go along the lines of: upkeeping your compulsive movement habit is not fine. If you don't like that, it's all the more reason to keep reading. Any resistance you feel is stemming from your eating disorder and 'lower' primal brain. Your 'higher' brain, somewhere, knows that it's a problem. That's why you clicked on this post.

If you came here wondering: Is X a problem?

Yes.

Even if it's tiny?

Yes.

Even if it if just tiny weeny?

Yes.

Even if it's better than it was in the past.

Yes.

YES, YES, YES.

If there are still any elements of compulsive movement in your life, you need to stop.

Seriously though... me? Do I need to stop?

ARGGG! YES! YOU ARE NOT EXEMPT!

Any type of movement or activity that is performed as a result of a seemingly irresistible urge is one that needs to be eliminated. Full fucking stop. This is because: your brain will never fully heal if you hold onto conditions associated with weight suppression.

Compulsive movement is one of the topics that people often ask me about hoping that there may be some sort of clause or exception which allows them to not have to face the thing that they are most afraid of: stopping movement. There isn’t. You aren't the unicorn for whom compulsive movement is safe for. The answer is always the same: you have to stop.

I hear you when you say: "But Han, movement makes me happy", "But Han, my doctor says movement benefits my mental health."

And to that I say: Sorry buddy, you still have to stop. Having an eating disorder neither makes you happy or boosts your mental health and continuing with compulsive movement will keep you living with that eating disorder.

So, what can compulsive movement look like?

Don't ask me that. You already know the answer. I'm joking. I know that I wrote that subheading. But I included this section so your ED doesn't try to insist that your compulsive movement isn't a valid form of compulsive movement. A compulsive movement urge feels like a relentless itch that just needs to be scratched. You know that they aren't just 'formal' exercises, like frequent long-distance runs or trips to the gym. They are activities that can be performed in plain sight and that's what makes them even more menacing.

If you have a compulsive movement issue, you do know the type of things I’m talking about.

Standing when you could be sitting; always being the one to jump up from the dinner table to wash the dishes; cleaning when it doesn’t really need to be done; parking at the other side of the car park; carrying in shopping from the car in several trips, rather than taking one; making decisions based on how much movement each option allows, rather than based on what you really want to do.

Part of the trouble with compulsive movement is that, to an outsider, they can look like really normal behaviours. They can seem entirely normal, be dismissed as healthy habits, or, even go completely unnoticed. Therefore, you could feasibly continue with them for the rest of your life if you wanted. But that's not what you want, is it? Just because nobody is forcing you to stop, it doesn't mean you're getting away with it. Because, honestly, who the hell are you kidding other than yourself if you let them continue? Allowing them to continue means allowing your ED to continue. You don't want that for yourself.

You are in control

The fact that others may not notice, or you can hide them from others means it's your responsibility to call yourself out on the behaviours. Relying on others to tell you to sit, or let them do the dishes for once, or to stop any other stuff that you're doing is just not sustainable.

This means identifying them and stopping them has to come from you, the individual who knows that the behaviour is harmful, and is in control of their arms and legs. Yes, I get it, this identifying bit becomes a little trickier said than done when half of your brain is adamant that it isn't even a problem, yet, there will be a part of you that knows what you're doing isn't right. This is the part you have to listen to.

As most of you know, I view eating disorders as biological adaptions to perceived food scarcity in the environment. Yes, your brain may be urging you to move to negate calories consumed (due to fear of weight gain), but this is not the only motivator. It is also the case that your brain is directing you to eat very little and move a lot in order to escape perceived famine and for this reason, for many of us, not moving doesn’t feel like an option.

I'm here to tell you: it is.

I know how strong it feels, that urge to move - but I promise you: not moving is an option. Full recovery will come once you find the resolve, determination, and strength to execute that option and trigger neural rewiring by your behaviours. Yes, it may feel excruciating, but it will not be this way forever.

Why is Rewiring so important?

After a long time of performing compulsive movement, your brain now thinks that you need to do these movement rituals in order to survive. The reason your brain thinks this is because you have taught it this. This entire process is further facilitated by the dopamine response cycle, as well as our fitness admiring culture - leaving the task of yanking ourselves out of it seeming pretty enormous.

The good news is that your brain is exceedingly smart, and it has the ability to change and learn. If you stop with the compulsive movement AND continue to eat without restriction, then your brain will learn that, no, you do not need to move in order to eat. The hard part is hanging in there with this commitment until your brain learns this.

This is why, in my view, going cold turkey is the only approach. You have to commit to stopping entirely, or it is not going to happen. This is my view because when I first tried to stop compulsive movement, I failed. When I tried again, I failed again. I'll tell you why: because I went in with the "I'll try attitude"... which meant I had already failed.

If you go into stopping compulsive movement with “I’ll try,” it won’t happen. Your brain will give you several thousand reasons why you should still go and work out, or do that walk you always do, or not sit down. When you said “I’ll try” you already conceded. Committing to recovery is not about trying to do or not do the things you need to do. It is about doing them. There is no reason and no excuse for going and working out when you know that doing so directly compromises your recovery. There is no reason and no excuse to stand rather than sit down. There is no reason and no excuse to do that extra walk that you know is compulsive. There is no “try” here. There is nothing about not participating in compulsive behaviour that isn’t under your control. Your eating disorder can’t make you strap on your trainers and force your body out for a walk without your consent. Your eating disorder doesn't throw you off your chair at the dinner table, catapult you to the sink and force you to start scrubbing saucepans. Every time you participate in a compulsion you made a choice to do so. I know it doesn't feel like you have choice, but this is just a feeling. You do

I always say that one of the greatest things about full recovery is that you can do whatever the fuck what you want. You can enjoy movement in a truly healthy way, intuitively, and without compulsion. In order to get there — to that place where you have free choice — you need to rewire that movement compulsion. You can’t teach your brain that it is safe for you not to compulsively move if you keep compulsively moving because our brains learn from our actions. If you are still acting as if you have to move as much as possible, or before you allow yourself to do X, your brain will still believe that you have to move as much as possible, or before you do X, and the compulsion to do so will remain strong.

For a full, sustainable recovery, you must, must, must rewire your brain. The reason I babble on about rewiring so much is that if you rewire a compulsion, the compulsion is no longer there. The fight is over. It is not a case of constant battling against it.

Cruel to be Kind

It may have been superficially kind for me to write “sure, honey, you can keep that morning walk there and as long as you eat your breakfast!" but that would go against everything I believe about tackling eating disorders.

I know that my stance of cold turkey on movement seems unduly harsh, especially when it is certainly true that a person can gain weight back and still exercise. But recovery is not only about weight gain or nutritional rehabilitation. Unless you do the neural rewiring too, you are still in a mental fight every minute of the day. The reason I am so insistent on rewiring movement compulsions is I want you to actually have freedom. For me, that is the kinder option. I would much rather you hate me, and be fully recovered and free, than for you to love me because I don't hurt your ED's feelings and for you to still be sick.

I entirely understand that walking head-on into the fear of stillness is more difficult than skirting around it and stopping it slowly. But only in the short term. A short battle of terrifying, unwavering commitment is easier than a lifetime of warring against yourself.

In sum, as with most aspects of recovery, the way out is to face the fear head on. The fear in this case, is stillness and of weight gain. You must give permission for both. Once you have freedom, it is not a struggle to maintain because rewiring means the urges aren't there. Hold that close. This will not be a battle forever, unless you allow it to persist. You do have choice.

Commit to it. Sit. Force yourself to be still. Breathe. Focus only on this moment you are in. You can be still for this moment. And then the next moment. And then the next.