Commitment>motivation

I wanted to recover.I was motivated to recover.I had one thousand and one reasons to recover. But I didn't.

Because motivation on its own is not strong enough. Motivation is overridden by fear. Motivation wavers. Motivation is not dominant enough in your mind to counteract the neurological messages you know receive around food.

.

You simply can't rely on motivation.

I could have written an essay as long as the dictionary telling you of all of 'the reasons I had to recover'. I had the most wonderful family (still do!), went to the most amazing Uni, studied my dream course and had beautiful summer holidays planned. I wanted to get back into sport once I was healthy enough, I wanted to be able to watch an entire film without thinking about food throughout, I wanted to go out clubbing with my friends and join in with the McDonalds trip after.  I truly wanted to.

But when I've challenged myself and the guilty thoughts start coming, the temptation to restrict was just too strong if the only thing I had support me was a 'motivation' or 'desire' to recover.

I needed commitment. If everything within me was screaming that if I eat that I'll gain loads and loads of weight, suddenly, the thought of my beautiful summer holiday didn't provide an effective counterargument to not having it. The summer holiday could not happen at all and I wouldn't care at that moment when I'm threatened by the food in front of me. That's were commitment strides in and takes over. There isn't an option not to eat it.

To show you what I mean, here's a lil analogy :)

Think of recovery as building a wall; a full solid wall is good for recovery.

Commitment is like the foundation, like the bottom of the wall. If all else fails, the commitment is the underlying rock/ base support which means you can't fail. These are BIG slabs of heavy stone.

On top of this, you make up the rest of the wall with the want/ the need/ the motivations to recover. They are all essential components of the wall, yes, but without the solid base they are too weak and insignificant to built a good wall on their own.

The journey is made easier by the desires and motivations, but they don't stand up on their own. Without the base (commitment), the middle sections crumble.

Therefore, I want to reiterate while motivations or desires are all essential components of the wall, but without the solid base, they are too weak and insignificant to build a good wall on their own.

But, having motivations to recover does help...

Having said this, writing a list of motivations to recover did really helped me. Considering where I wanted to be in the future and contrasting it to life if I remained trapped in hell, is something that really helped me to refer to.  I suggest getting yourself a lil' notebook and writing a list of all of the GREAT things in your life that you hope to recover by recovering. What things did you used to do that you now avoid? What things can you get back into? What makes you truly smile?

Think about it like this:

You have exams this week. Of course, you really really want to do well. If only a desire to want to do well was enough to make you pass!! You wish! If you put the work in, you'll be rewarded. This applies to most things.

Han x