CHANGE EVERYTHING

Recovery from a restrictive eating disorder requires change. I know that's not news to you.

But, what is absolutely essential to keep reminding yourself, is that it is not just change here and there. It's not just change the particular disordered things that irk you, and hold onto the things you don't mind so much. It's not just change on the days you're feeling good and motivated.

It's complete change, on every single level, on every moment of every day.

Changing everything means that recovery won't feel safe. It won't necessarily feel ordered, organized or regulated. It won't lead to regular increments of weight gain. It won't lead to perfectly timed and plated meals. It won't be close to picture perfect. This is because: that simply does not work. Neural rewiring, the active work of undoing a conditioned response and establishing another response, must be fully engaged with for a sustainable, robust recovery. Changing bits and bobs, here and there, in a eating-disorder verified manner does not allow for neural rewiring.

Here’s Why

Your brain is made up of neural pathways which are basically learned behavioural and thought patterns. This is usually a fantastic mechanism. It enables us to start doing things automatically. It saves time. It reserves space for more important life stuff. Like, you know how you know your way around the TV remote without reading each button? That's because the layout of the buttons are wired into your brain. And, you know when you get in your car and just... go? That's because you've done it so many times. You don't have to run through the process of: key in; turn-key, check mirrors, set gear. Etc.

Yet, although this usually works in a way that benefits us and makes our life easier, negative entrenched behaviours can form this way too. When you have a restrictive eating disorder, and you have been doing responding to particular thought patterns with certain behaviours for a while, then neural pathways form. On top of this, many people with eating disorders have personality traits which make forming habits even more likely, meaning becoming ritualized and habitual in our behaviours is seamless.

In order to break habit, autopilot, and entrenched pathways, you have to go the absolute opposite direction. As soon as you start something the same way as usual, hauling yourself out of that track is a tough task.

Change everything

I know that you've gotten into bed before and promised to 'properly start' tomorrow. (That's really convenient for the eating disorder, by the way). I know that you have all the best intentions in the world for eating more or doing it 'for real' the next day, but if you get out of bed the next morning and have the same breakfast as usual, you’ll really struggle to change anything at lunchtime, because your brain is already in that neural rut. It'll be trying to stop a ball, that's already gathered speed, from rolling down a hill.

On the flip side, if you get out of bed, get the intense urge to back out of your plans and having a 'safe' breakfast instead, but just observe the thought and DO go ahead with changing the breakfast as planned (because of your commitment to healing), you’ll likely find it is easier to also change lunch. That’s because by changing breakfast, you start the day outside of your usual neural pathways. You go a different direction. 

But it doesn't have to stop at changing what you eat breakfast. It's changing everything about breakfast. It's having breakfast straight away. It's having your favourite drink alongside it. It's having toast on the side and slathering it with your spread. It's eating in a different place. It's using a different bowl. It's eating with an adult spoon. It's leaving the saucepan not washed up before you tuck in. It's having a second breakfast 10 minutes later.

Why? Because everything needs to change.

But isn't that too much? There's no such thing.

But I like my usual breakfast? Oh well. It'll still be there to have once it's not a gateway to a disordered day.

And those thoughts that you're getting now of reasons not to change are even more evidence that you need to.

You have to change everything, because keeping anything that's grounded in restrictive intent, starts your day with - restriction. You have to change everything or, it's very likely that you’ll change nothing. 

If you haven't already: commit to changing everything. Mentally and physcially- with actions that reflect this.

Yes, that may be overwhelming. It may be unstructured. It may feel 'unsafe'. But I assure you, it is the safest thing you can do. All of those feelings are part of recovery and you have the strength to sit with them.

So, if you hadn't got the message already. I'm saying: change. What. When. How. Where. Change it all. Do the opposite.

If you always eat something hot, eat something cold. If you always eat something cold, guess what? Eat something hot. You always eat bread? Buy a different bread. Eat something else with the bread. Eat double the bread. Try brioche. Plan your breakfast the night before? Respond to that mental hunger by eating it immediately (yep, even if it's 10pm) and then again in the morning. You haven't made pancakes for years and you're not sure if you like them? Make them. Hate cooking? Buy them. You eat alone? Eat with a family member. Go to a café. You eat at 8am? Eat at 7am and then again at 9. You just love your watery porridge with a teaspoon of honey? Make it with milk, squeeze on some honey until your ED howls and add nuts. If, in 2 months, you still prefer it watery and plain, you can go back to it. Eat standing up? Sit the fuck down. Eat after working out? Stop that. There is no excuse not to change and any excuse that arises is restriction.

Even if you don't like the particular change you made, keep at it. It's amazing how much of an influence the ED can have on your enjoyment of a meal if it's in a strop. But also keep at it because there can be no option not to. There is no option to revert to old ways. They do not serve you and will keep you cycling round that same old track.

Just for reference, the first time I made myself 'proper porridge' I ate it from a giant mixing bowl, with a giant spoon, on cushions on my bedroom floor. Over the top? Maybe. But here I am: completely free of any urge to eat perfect temperature, watery porridge from a specific bowl with a child's spoon, on my 'special' seat with youtube placed infront of me.

The point is: don't avoid discomfort by not changing. That'll keep you safely where the ED wants you. Choose change at every single chance you get.