Captivity

When I was ill with Anorexia, I was lonely beyond belief.

However, I did have a very odd relationship with loneliness. Whilst I certainly didn't love feeling so alone, I also didn't like being around people much either. Something else I find interesting to reflect on, is how during this time where where I felt so lonely, I can see that the emotion was not induced by actually being physically alone.

For somebody who has never experienced true loneliness, that probably doesn't make much sense. But, for somebody who has been there, or is there now, I think you know exactly what I mean. You can be in a room full of people and simultaneously feel as though you are stranded on an island miles out at sea.

Due to the nature of ED's, there is often a fair amount of self-induced isolation and physical distancing from friends. Yet what I'm referring to above isn't about that. It's about the feeling of not being able to mentally connect with the people who are right beside you. People who you are supposed to love. People who are showing you support that just isn't reaching your core. And that really, really hurts.

You feel weird.

You feel exhausted.

You feel ungrateful.

And these by-products just make you want to withdraw further.

If you do resonate with feeling lonely in your recovery, first of all, I am sorry.

Second, I have good news. With healing comes connection. Even if you don't even yearn for that connection right now, due to malnourishment induced apathy or fatigue, it will come, and it will be beautiful. Passion, interest and purpose can and will flood back into your life too. I promise.

Though I did write a blog about the freedom you may gain from Eating Disorder recovery a long while back (you can read that here), this particular blog will have a closer focus on what the maintenance of the ED results in a lack of. I hope it helps remind you why you desperately need to let go.

The ED: A hostage taker

During my own ED, and in the advocacy work I have done since fully healing, I have come across the metaphor of a Eating Disorder as a "captor" more times than I can count. Corresponding to this, the term, "Stockholm Syndrome" is often employed as a figurative way of helping family's understand how their loved one has become "abducted" by their illness, and still resists letting go. Though the individuals mind is "captured" and they are robbed of their physical and emotional health, the individual feels some attachment to their "abductor" (as is the case with Stockholm Syndrome) and often protects it as though it was not causing them so much pain or harm.

Though it seems unthinkable that the individual resists just ending their own captivity - or choosing to abandon the very thing that is causing them so much pain, the 'bond' that a sufferer can feel to their illness is one that is hard to describe. This idea of Stockholm Syndrome does help a little, though. The illness has been with the person through life's hard moments. Sometimes, it's been with them after a trauma. Sometimes, it's just been an escape to something which felt overwhelming. Sometimes, it was something simply to excel at. Oftentimes, the illness has seemed to provide a viable escape from the pain, or excuse for avoidance in the lowest and scariest of moments.

But 'seemed' is the most important word here, as it is an entirely fleeting sense that needs to be consistently re-triggered in order to remain useful. And this is how the ED traps an individual. The neural pathways become deep set with continued use, and some level of temporary 'peace' is felt when the behaviours are followed through with, since brains don't like drastic change from routine.

Your ED is not your friend

If the feeling that the ED is 'on your side' when nobody else is, or 'gets you' when nobody seems to, or comforts you when you otherwise feel alone, plays a role in your reluctance to release it, you are not alone. However, what I urge you to see is that the ED is not some other entity who 'get's you'. It is not a reliable and easy fall back 'person' to use when life is tough. It is a life-emptying neural matrix that is part of the reason why life feels so tough to navigate. It is not a tool that you can use as an escape pain. There are other, far less harmful, things for that that you can learn.

I promise you: The false sense of protection your ED provides, that numbness, that ease of routine, that promise - if you are thin, things will be okay, - is not genuinely helping you cope. I have absolutely no doubt about that.

How am I so sure?

One main reason:

1) Right now, you are reading this recovery blog to seek a way out of your Eating Disorder. If it was actually providing an authentic and sustainable form of peace for you, you wouldn't be curious about getting rid of it.

Back to the analogy

So, let's use that analogy. You're taken 'hostage'. You are in a whirlwind of calorie deprivation, food rules, orthorexia or compulsive movement. Your brain is starved. Your heart is having to work harder to pump. You lack hormones. You feel weak behind all of the adrenaline you function on.

Additionally, you have isolated yourself in order to keep up disordered rituals. Trying to get to sleep is unbearable because pausing to reflect is terrifying. Being awake isn't much fun either, though, as passions and hobbies have fallen away and feel frivolous.

And people? Don't get me started. They are either bloody nuisance to this well-oiled disordered cycle (which enrages the ED) ,or, they spout diet-culture rubbish that ignites a rage within the part of you that yearns to heal.

Life is entirely greyed by malnutrition and has no space for anything else.

And you still hold on.

Is that really because you have formed a bond with your captor?

Is that really because you love your ED like this analogy suggests?

I don't believe it is.

I think it's because your brain is wired to encourage repeated action and divergence from that pattern is neurobiologically dissuaded.

I think you're scared of what will happen when you do let go.

I think you worry what will make you feel some level of peace you when you don't have the poorly functioning crutch of the ED supporting you.

And finally, and sometimes most importantly, I think you're scared of weight gain and living in a body you can't imagine respecting. I think you assume that you're not going to be able to cope with being at your unsurpressed weight.

The truth is:

Though it may feel like your ED has abducted from you, stolen from you, hoodwinked you and manipulated you, relying on that metaphor of the ED as a physical entity who has imprisoned you detracts from the power that you currently hold: to act your way out of the Eating disorder.

Your ED can suggest.

Your ED can urge.

But,

Your ED cannot force action or passivity.

You are in complete control of the actions you do or don't take.

Your ED cannot physically hurt you or bound you to a place you do not wish to remain.

Please remember:

You are not powerless.

You are not at the whim of your thoughts.

You can act anyway.

Even if you have attempted recovery before, and have fallen short, or dipped since, you must try again.

There is no peace in the Eating Disorder.

Full stop.

You have a choice:

1) You trust that the rewiring process will work with consistent effort (since it is a biological phenomena permissible by neuroplasicity), Or,

2) You stay in that locked room, battling with your body forever, who is never, ever going to give up its curiosity toward a life beyond this.

You know which the true you wants.